I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
