when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
