ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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