How'd it feel making her break her religion?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize