Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
