My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
