I look better un-naked...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize