he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
