ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize