i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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