Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
