the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
