Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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