I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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