it's like iHOP with fire
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
