I want to make a zoo with you.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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