Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
