I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
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