pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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