Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
