Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
