oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Do vagina's smell?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
