She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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