apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
