Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
