I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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