Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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