I'm going to jail i love you
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
