You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
