I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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