He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
