mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
