he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
