woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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