I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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