If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
