I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
