i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
