Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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