your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
