using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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