What tipped you off? The sombrero?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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