How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
