nut hugger
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
