Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
