I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
whose ass print is on the piano?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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