glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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