i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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