I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
