Umm I'm too high to move.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Randomize
