everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
