I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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