You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
And then he peed in my hair
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