I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
