i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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