I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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