I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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