I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
