I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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